647 stories
·
11 followers

By: filthy light thief

1 Comment and 2 Shares
Sara Schaefer and Sabrina Jalees on How Nanette Will Change Stand-up (Sara Schaefer (Nikki & Sara Live) and Sabrina Jalees (The Lineup) discuss the special, for The Vulture)
Sara: I would like to think the latter happened. I hope Rob was dropped from the group text. Okay, back to Nanette. I particularly like how Hannah pulls back the curtain on what comedy is and how it is done, and even though she's showing us the wizard behind the curtain, we're still caught up in the tension she's so masterfully building. Part of the reason I think it works so well is because she's being incredibly vulnerable and just straight-up beaming out her humanity like a Care Bear Stare. It made me think so much about my own comedy and how I've been afraid to get "too angry" or "too smart" or "too female" onstage. But then of course it made me think a lot about how as a straight white woman, I'm only experiencing a sliver of what others experience onstage. She brilliantly brings us into her world and cultivates empathy from people who don't walk in her shoes. At points I wanted to tell her to stop saying "I don't hate men!" At first it felt like she was apologizing for who she was, but I realized by the end she was doing this purposefully not only to demonstrate her points, but to, as she said, appeal to everyone's humanity. She fundamentally has chosen to approach everyone in her audience with love. Sabrina: It was brilliant and magic and cuts to the core of what stand-up can be while deserting the sport entirely. I watched the first 20 minutes or so before bed and felt like, "Wait, what's happening? Why are people losing their minds over this?" Then I finished it the next day and my jaw dropped and my tears dropped, and my brain has been chewing on it ever since. Sara: Another thing that really struck me about this was how validated I felt about how I've approached my own comedy. For years, I felt a lot of pressure by the comedy community to, number one, be solely focused on the "craft" of joke writing; never concern yourself with sincere messages of hope! That's corny! To this idea, Hannah says "My sensitivity is my strength." Sabrina: Yes! I'm always only interested in hearing people's real thoughts and secrets and things that take a few whiskeys to spill out. It's so much more interesting starting with a real feeling or insecurity or confession. I'm finding this in TV writing too — as long as you're building a story on truth, the foundation is always solid and interesting, so the jokes that build off of it are so much more satisfying. Sara: Yes. And number two, never concern yourself with the feelings of the audience — this idea of "Fuck the audience if they get offended, I will NEVER apologize!" has always been strange, because as a comedian, is it not your main goal to care very deeply about the emotional state of the audience so that you can elicit laughs? To this idea, Hannah talks about how being in the margins requires that you concern yourself with the feelings of the audience to make them comfortable with your very existence. For her, it's not even a choice. Sabrina: I started doing stand-up when I was 16, before I realized I was gay, and the way I'd be perceived was a huge hurdle that held me back for years. When I was 18 I fell in love with a woman for the first time, but it took me until my early 20s to start talking about it onstage. I cared too much about what people would think and how they'd judge me. Breaking through that fear and realizing that judgment is unavoidable regardless of your sexuality was a huge lesson for me both as a person and comic. Sara: Yes! Comedy is hard for everyone, but for those in the margins, it comes with added pressures and considerations. Whenever we talk about the struggles of what it's like to be a nonwhite, straight guy comedian, some people get mad and just dismiss you with a simple "Funny is funny." I absolutely love how Hannah brilliantly turned this on its head with the Picasso stuff. She makes us ask: Who is defining what's funny? Who is being allowed to speak? What perspectives are we including?
Emphasis original -- I loved getting a glimpse of these shared exuberances, and there's a lot more in the full article. Some fun, some tragic excerpts from Hanna's interview with Jenny Valentish for The Guardian titled 'I broke the contract': how Hannah Gadsby's trauma transformed comedy
One unexpected sanctuary during the run of the show – when she was coughing up a furball of trauma night after night – was the actor Emma Thompson, to whom she has become close. Thompson contacted her after seeing Nanette in Edinburgh, and Gadsby stayed with her during the London dates. "Oh, we're friends now; I think I can say that," Gadsby smiles. "She described what I was doing as Promethean – tearing my liver out every night. She didn't tell me to stop; she said: 'You've got to keep doing it.' I think that gave me permission to take more care of myself. Really, I just wanted to get to know her mum [the actor Phyllida Law]. I love Fifi." More remote support has come from fellow comedians; many see Nanette as a game-changer (it was the joint winner of best show at last year's Edinburgh fringe festival). "I've been a professional comic for 30 years," tweeted Kathy Griffin. "I've been studying comedy for even longer. I thought I had seen everything ..." Kristen Schaal advised her followers there was nothing better and more important than Nanette. ... The burden of talking about complex issues usually comes down to the most marginalised people. On the rare occasions that a white, heterosexual man steps up – Louis CK pointing out, for example, that "there is no greater threat to women than men" – they are hailed as heroes. "It's funny that it was during the process of doing this show that Louis CK came undone," Gadsby says. "I was furious with the phenomenon of Louis CK before it even came out. I was aware of the rumours [of him masturbating in front of younger female comedians] but I wasn't in that world, so what can you do?" Louis CK's predilection for talking about masturbation in his sets became a metaphor in Gadsby's mind for the rudimentary question-answer setup of punchline jokes – "like rubbing one out" – and made her determined to pursue more sophisticated narratives. "A joke is a wank, but a story is intimacy," she says. ... Following a brief bit on the murder of Eurydice Dixon, a young comedian in Australia -- "It's often young men trialling their philosophies on life, and we've got a generation of young men who believe that they are victimised, because they've been promised the world. That's a poisoned chalice, because now there's a gap between what the cultural narrative is and what their experience is. Looking back, I think it's done me more good than harm to be promised absolutely nothing. I was always told I didn't matter to the world, but the world still matters to me. That's why I haven't responded to the more brutal aspects of my life with violence or bitterness."
Which lead me to Hannah Gadsby on the male gaze in art: 'Stop watching women having baths. Go away.' -- In her new ABC* show Nakedy Nudes, the Tasmanian-born comedian delights in taking the highbrow mantle off art history * That's the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, not the American Broadcasting Company. This will be her 3rd production for the Australian ABC; the first two were for the Artscape program on ABC TV, Hannah Gadsby Goes Domestic (2010) and The NGV** Story (2011) ** National Gallery of Victoria
Read the whole story
iridesce
3 days ago
reply
It's pretty cool to see that this thread is still being commented on almost a month later.
nj
angelchrys
3 days ago
reply
Overland Park, KS
Share this story
Delete

Immigration defense group rejects Salesforce.com donation

2 Shares
A leading nonprofit group helping immigrant families reunite at the U.S. border on Thursday rejected a $250,000 donation from Salesforce.com Inc in protest at the cloud-computing company's contract with the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency.
Read the whole story
iridesce
3 days ago
reply
nj
angelchrys
3 days ago
reply
Overland Park, KS
Share this story
Delete

#1120: The Creepy Guy In The Friend Group, Revisited: Four More Geek Social Fallacies

1 Comment and 15 Shares

Content note: After the jump I mention Rape Threats Dudes Have Sent Me for saying what I think about creepy dudes.

Dear Captain,

Over the past several years I’ve drifted to the periphery of a friend group where one member is a sexist creep. I immediately found him slimy and pushy and off-putting upon meeting him, but gave him the benefit of the doubt because he’s my friend’s brother — and then learned that he’s heavily into PUA bullshit and was pretty much being awful on purpose. It was a few years into my friendship his sister that he started hanging out with everyone, and as he’s spent more time with the group, I’ve spent much less. (Not just because of him, but he’s definitely one reason.) There’s only one friend I’ve explicitly discussed this with, and he’s sympathetic when we talk privately, but I don’t get the sense Mr. Plumed Fedora experiences much pushback at all from anyone in the group — including me, which is also something I’m really struggling with — when he casually complains about “feminazis,” creeps on every woman he encounters, etc.

Recently an opportunity came up to maybe spend more time with the group and I was kind of excited about it but… I truly loathe this guy and resent the amount of time I’ve already spent with him. Is there a good way to say “Your brother/friend is a misogynist and I don’t want to be around him, no offense”? Should I suck it up? Continue fading out? Finally learn to stop avoiding conflict?

Thanks,
M’lady Nay

M’lady,

Did you know that this post about what to do about the creepy cude in the friend group is the most-read, most-linked, most-discussed post here, ever, even six years later?

Did you know that men still email me about it sometimes to tell me I’m a horrible person who probably deserves to be raped, six years later? Like “if you think that’s what rapists act like or think everyone is probably a rapist you should probably get raped” x 1000, and it’s like, “Hey Rapey Robert/Death Threat Dave/Threatening Thomas/”Ethics In Gaming Journalism” Greg, nice Pepe the Frog avatar you’ve got there, thanks for the feedback. I definitely don’t think every man is a rapist, but is there any part of your email that isn’t proving my point about what potential rapists act like?” 

(I don’t actually write back) (I used to get really scared by these emails but I don’t anymore)(I usually assume it’s happening because some woman in their friend group finally got fed up and finally told them “read this, because you are being this dude”  and now the dude’s gotta find someone new to take it all out on because he can’t act like a butthole at Trivia Night anymore, so they choose me, in which case, KEEP ROCKING, AWESOME PEOPLE! If these assholes are feeling consequences for what they are like, you are doing something right.)

You’re doing just fine with “your brother/friend is a misogynist and I don’t want to be around him, no offense” script! I also laughed at your email subject line: “this is probably like three different Geek Social Fallacies” I think it hits all five, personally, and you’ve inspired me to define some more, so, well done, good work, thank you.

When the people in your social group inevitably say “He’s not that bad” or “But faaaaaamily!” or otherwise try to defend hanging out with him you can say “Maybe he’s not that bad…to you. If you still want to hang out with him, that’s okay, I’m not your boss, but I know I’ll be happier staying away from places he’s going to be. Let me know if you want to do something one-on-one, though, ’cause I really like you.” 

One thing that can be empowering in You versus The Group (+ This Fucking Guy) situations is to take more initiative in spending time with the people you want to see. Be more of a planner, and invite people to hang out one-on-one, or in smaller groups. Mix a few of the cooler people with friends you know from other social circles. If you’re proactive and you’re controlling the invite list, you can have more fun at your events, and you can also push back on people who try to insist on including Creepy McGee. “When it’s your event you can invite anyone you want. X and I don’t get along/You know I find him creepy/I wanted a misogyny-free evening, so, nope!” 

Sometimes you have to make it clear that it’s a smaller/more selective invite list, especially if the group has the “we all do everything together/all are welcome” vibe for their usual hangouts, so, be specific when you make the invitations. “I’d love to have a few people over for a dinner party, I’ve only got the 5 chairs so please RSVP, and sorry, no +1s this time.” Do the inviting off of Facebook or other social media, too, vs. creating events that anyone can see or add people to.

Ok, let’s talk about group situations where someone says something gross and nobody pushes back on it. Maybe there’s a really awkward silence for a second, but your friend is probably used to smoothing things over for her brother, and it doesn’t really register with the offensive person at all.

Creeps and misogynists (and racists, and other people you don’t want at your parties) don’t respond to hints. They operate under the assumption that everyone secretly agrees with them and is just “too triggered” or “too politically correct” or “too sensitive” (or whatever the code word that we are too much of is today) to “say what they’re really thinking.” Silence, hints, a strategically raised eyebrow, people quietly flashing side-eye around the circle, etc. just gives them a pool of plausible deniability to keep right on pooping into. And if the people around them are pretty conflict-averse, or (understandably) afraid of becoming a target or provoking them further, or (understandably) afraid that no one will stand up for them or (understandably) afraid that other people secretly agree with what the asshole is saying, or (understandably) are worried that everyone really likes the asshole and will side with them (cough…Chris Hardwick…cough) it just perpetuates the thing where The Asshole can say horrible things and not really get called on it, so he keeps saying asshole things to try to provoke a reaction and then sort of revel in his power when nobody stops him.

This is the wrong social feedback loop and sometimes you just gotta be the one who fixes it.

Even if it doesn’t convince the asshole. (It probably won’t).

Even if other people don’t stand up with you. (They might not).

Even if it’s scary and the night is “ruined” once you say something. (It was already ruined, for you.)

Even if you lose your temper or it comes out garbled or you shake or your voice shakes or you cry. (It might.)

Even if the people you like in the group are mad at you for not enabling the creep…and them…in putting up with misogyny. (It’s possible.)

I truly think in my heart of hearts that it will be good FOR YOU to have spoken up.

And I think there are some additional Geek Social Fallacies at play in the world, and we urgently need to find some ways to deal with them.

Edited to Add: If you’ve never heard of the Five Geek Social Fallacies before, read that link! It’s one of several extremely useful posts out there in the world about “Hey, why do people who we know behave badly still get to hang out in all our spaces and ruin all our parties and social groups?” Another great one one is The Missing Stair. [/edit]

GSF #6 “Calling out bad behavior makes you just as bad as the person who was doing the bad behavior.” 

It takes many forms:

“I know Dave keeps grabbing your ass when you walk by, but you didn’t really need to yell at him like that! How is he supposed to learn if you can’t even be polite?” 

“Punching Nazis might turn totally normal people who definitely didn’t have any problematic beliefs before this moment into Nazis!” 

“I know Uncle Carl said some racist things at dinner, but how do you expect him to learn if you can’t sit silently while he does that? Don’t you want to be civil?” 

“When you call creepy men creepy it hurts their feelings and makes them more likely to be creepy.” 

There are so many versions and offshoots, like “People who believe and do evil shit aren’t evil deep down, and if you just patiently explained it to them for long enough they would stop being so evil!” or one that is starring in my inbox right now “Jennifer, when you use swear words don’t you know that you discredit your entire argument? I won’t be reading your blog any more (but I will send you a 1000-word email about your blog…the one that I don’t read and definitely won’t be reading anymore… at least once a week…for the rest of time…btw you should probably get raped)” 

The people who indulge these GSF want you to fight bad behavior by….being quiet about it and letting it continue? What? That can’t be right.

In the most generous interpretation, people who indulge in this fallacy don’t know what to do about the awful (racist, misogynist, ableist, homophobic, transphobic, possibly violent, etc. etc.) sentiments and behavior, so they freeze. Maybe they feel bad and guilty for not saying something themselves. Less-generously-but-depressingly-possible, maybe they agree with the horrible things that were said and feel embarrassed about that, like, shhhhhhhhhh, don’t turn our dogwhistle into a regular whistle, it’s embarrassing!

Whatever their reasons, what GSF #6 Fallacy Holders do is to immediately silence what you are saying (“That was sexist, stop it”) and ignore what the other person was doing ([insert repulsive words and/or behaviors here]) in order to make “but you said it wrong!” the territory of the argument. They want the discomfort that the awful person introduced into the situation to stop, but they incorrectly locate the source of their discomfort in the person who resisted it, and then they try to pressure that person into being silent so everyone can go back to being comfortable.

Everyone except the person who was hurt by the asshole’s words or behavior, that is. They are fine with your discomfort (as long as you are quiet about it).

GSF #7: “I can tell if someone is A Good Person or not based on whether they’ve been nice…to me.”

From the serial killer who was “always a polite, quiet neighbor” to the abuser who can keep their temper just fine around friends, bosses, & strangers but “totally loses control!” only when it comes to their victims and only when it won’t have legal consequences or make them look bad to others, to the person who is probably a pillar of his church community, but won’t let a pregnant woman use the bathroom if she’s the wrong race, everyone needs to understand this and understand it quick:

People can selectively be nice to the people whose opinions they care about and who they don’t want to harm. And predators consciously groom and choose people around them to be their defenders and spokespeople, the exact same way they groom their victims.

A lot of what you personally experience as “kindness” or “he’s a great guy!” from a misogynist is really about power and what they can get away with. 

For example, at my first post-college job, the creepy senior employee who ogled me all day, made up reasons to force me to have to come to his office, offered me rides home every day and (when I refused) followed me home in his car, driving slowly next to me while I walked, begging me to get in the whole time, and then parked across the street from my house for hours at a time, etc. was VERY friendly and gregarious in the office. He was a churchgoer with many framed Bible quotes in his office, he wore sweater-vests, he talked like Ned Flanders from the Simpsons. He often bought lunch for the whole office and brought baked goods from home. Nobody believed me about his weird behavior, they believed him when he said he was just concerned about my safety walking alone (in broad daylight, in Georgetown which if you don’t know is an extremely wealthy college neighborhood that is policed within an inch of its life), and they laughed at me for having “a crush” on him. Long after I quit, they finally believed he was not so nice when he embezzled a whole bunch of money, tried to frame a young Somali refugee who worked there for what he did, and disappeared without a trace with tons of their money, though! An expensive lesson, for everyone.

I think geeks/nerds are especially susceptible to GSF #7 because so many of us have been ostracized or bullied as kids. We hunger for kindness, so when One Of The Cool Kids shows us that kindness it’s even more precious and harder to let go of. If someone tells you someone who has always been nice to you is not actually that nice, consider for a second that you don’t know everything about them. What if we could learn expensive and uncomfortable lessons much earlier, by saying “I believe you, let me see what I can do” to the victim of the bad behavior and “Hey, I like you a lot, can you knock off doing that gross thing so I can keep liking you” to the perpetrator? If someone you like is behaving badly, you probably couldn’t have prevented it, but could you at least not become their flying monkey after the fact?

Could we reverse the current of social pressure that teaches victims not to speak up so that awkwardness flows toward perpetrators?

Please?

Now?

GSF #8: “If you show emotion about a topic, your argument is invalid.”

We could also state this one as “If you are personally affected by the thing that is up for debate, you are biased, and that is Somehow Bad.” Others have written about it in the context of South Park, where being a secret Nazi is hilarious but caring sincerely about something is the real problem, and deserving of ridicule.

What a crock of shit.

Fortunately, Melissa McEwan wrote about this double-bind so beautifully in her piece, The Terrible Bargain We Have Regretfully Struck:

“There are the occasions that men—intellectual men, clever men, engaged men—insist on playing devil’s advocate, desirous of a debate on some aspect of feminist theory or reproductive rights or some other subject generally filed under the heading: Women’s Issues. These intellectual, clever, engaged men want to endlessly probe my argument for weaknesses, want to wrestle over details, want to argue just for fun—and they wonder, these intellectual, clever, engaged men, why my voice keeps raising and why my face is flushed and why, after an hour of fighting my corner, hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. Why do you have to take this stuff so personally? ask the intellectual, clever, and engaged men, who have never considered that the content of the abstract exercise that’s so much fun for them is the stuff of my life.

There is the perplexity at my fury that my life experience is not considered more relevant than the opinionated pronouncements of men who make a pastime of informal observation, like womanhood is an exotic locale which provides magnificent fodder for the amateur ethnographer. And there is the haughty dismissal of my assertion that being on the outside looking in doesn’t make one more objective; it merely provides a different perspective.”

I think about this “lady emotions are dumb, man logic is superior!” fallacy all the time as I watch thousands of young men who would describe themselves as Extremely Logical People become viscerally enraged at a Star Wars movie they didn’t like. It’s kinda funny, but when those same men harass female performers off social media because they didn’t like the movie, it’s suddenly not funny at all. Like, let’s sit with the absurdity of what they are doing for a second. As the primo target audience for Ocean’s 8, I personally think it should 100% have been directed by a woman and that the James Corden insurance investigator part should 100% have been played by Rene Russo in a reprise of her Thomas Crown Affair role (and also that character should be “Lou”/Cate Blanchett’s ex-lover) but I’m not suggesting”let’s all go tell Gary Ross & James Corden they should get raped every day until we have JUSTICE Lololo1!!!” (Like, I know I am joking about a terrible terrible thing so in all seriousness, please, please do not ever do that, it’s just a fucking movie. Go write some hot fan fiction where Cate and Renee do crime and borrow each other’s wardrobes and then email me the link to that fan fiction).

Feelings are just one kind of information. Experiences are extremely informed sources of information. They are not the only information, but they aren’t not-information, either? They have a part to play.

What if we acted like the the people most affected by something/who have the most at stake/who have the most to lose/who have been the most fucked over by the status quo are the center of where our caring should go and the primary experts on what would fix things, but on like, a national or even global level? And what if caring for them was way more important than our “objective” debates about what they need and deserve?

In the meantime, the idea that “your emotions and your experiences with a thing make you uninformed and unqualified to talk about it, but my emotions (that I have renamed ‘logic’) and my lack of experience with a thing make me more informed and qualified than you” is a brand of bullshit that I will be fighting until my dying day, one really really long blog post at a time.

Will you join me?

GSF #9: “The most important thing to think about when speaking up about injustice is what will *convince* the other person to be on your side.” 

As in, when someone mistreats you or others, convincing them not to and converting them to thinking as you do and educating them endlessly, in real time, on demand, on their schedule (whether or not they even want to be convinced), with complete and selfless empathy for why they feel as they do and why they said what they said is your sole, immediate responsibility, more important than your own feelings, safety, ethics, the safety or comfort of anyone nearby or anyone in the world who may be affected by what they did, regardless of how much energy or will you have to do it or how likely they are to be convinced.

For GSF #9 holders, it’s not enough for you to say “Hey, knock it off there buddy,” or “If you’re going to say stuff like that, I need to be elsewhere, byeeee,” NO! You must convince them…OR NOTHING. (i.e. be silent). You must convince them, gently, kindly, with perfect grammar and spelling and no icky emotions like anger at what they did or fear for what they might do, you must make them feel GREAT and WELCOME in your space or else you are letting your whole side down and it will be YOUR FAULT when they do and say awful things.

I think there is enormous value in trying to change hearts and minds and that is the long game, the work that will never stop.

But it’s not the only thing I value. Sometimes what I value is making the bad thing stop and stop right fucking now. Sometimes what I value is making consequences for people who do or say the bad things – there are people who persuasion will never reach, but who might understand power or social disapproval or the risk of being disinvited if they behave badly. Sometimes what I value is protecting myself and other people from the harm that they do, and the hearts and minds of assholes can be their own fucking business.

Sometimes I’m just a human being whose supply of fucks to give runs low and I lose my temper. Oops?

When a gross dude in a literal or metaphorical fedora is like “Hey Sweet Tits want to come over and see my Ayn Rand tattoos? I can explain them all to you, at length and in detail” or “Your hysteria over the coming erosion of reproductive rights is just wasting everyone’s time with dumb ‘identity politics’, why don’t you calm down pay attention to the Really Important Stuff (i.e. stuff that I care about)” and you are like NO and also GROSS and also I WILL NOT CALM DOWN, SIR, I DO BITE MY THUMB AT THEE, PERFORCE, YOU ARE LUCKY I DO NOT MAKE YOU MEET ME WITH PISTOLS AT DAWN…

…and people are like “Calm down why are you being so mean/emotional/hysterical, you’re going to lose the argument unless you maintain perfect detachment at all times

…those people are also sort of saying “I…I mean some people… are looking for an excuse to agree with your tormentor, please don’t give me…I mean them… one by having embarrassing tears or acting angry about what they are doing! If they aren’t convinced, and if I…I mean some people…end up joining their side, it will be all your fault when I/they do!

…maybe…

…I don’t know…

…this may sound weird…

But maybe they were never really gonna be on your side, and what they think isn’t the most important thing in the world?

…And maybe it’s important that you say something back even if it isn’t going to be the one true magical thing that convinces someone not to be a misogynist anymore? That perfect thing that, don’t forget, you must somehow express with perfect politeness and grace?

Maybe it isn’t your job to convince that person, especially not right then in that moment. Maybe you are not their Basic Humanity Tutor. Maybe today isn’t your turn to be the Asshole Whisperer. Maybe speaking up is about something else entirely. Maybe it’s sufficient just to name their actions for what they are so that other people can recognize them, and it’s not your job to fix every asshole that you meet.

Maybe you’re doing it for YOU and as a way to remove plausible deniability that everyone agrees with them and to reassert POWER in the social spaces you occupy regardless of whether these people are ever convinced or even can be convinced. (Like maybe holidays don’t belong to your most racist and loudmouthed relative and you do not have to quietly retreat from having a family because he can’t shut the fuck up for one day (but you are expected to “behave yourself, Young Lady”).

Maybe it would be ok if you “made a scene” or whatever they’re using today as “the worst thing you could possibly do” in order to police your feelings and reactions down to a size that can let them stay comfortable with the unfairness of the world.

Maybe it’s just the right thing to do even if it isn’t easy or comfortable and even if it won’t convince one single soul.  And, in the good words of my beloved ride-or-die Goat Lady, as pertains to some current political discussions:

“Yknow I get that some people are really uncomfortable with confrontation but ima need those folks to just go back inside and keep their heads down instead of pretending they have some kind of precious moral high ground because they don’t want offend fascists.”

If you can’t speak up, if you’re afraid to speak up, if you are uncomfortable speaking up, if you’ve never spoken up before and you don’t know how to start, okay? It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be still learning. Do what you have to do to survive from one moment to the next. But do not act like silence is something to strive for and like breaking it is the real faux pas when people’s survival is on the line. I see you.

So again, maybe someone’s horrendous and abusive views and whatever straw-man-dressed-in-red-flags strategy the people who wish you would just shut up already erroneously think will ultimately convince people to stop having those views is not even remotely the standard for measuring what you should do when they hurt people.

My lovely Letter Writer M’Lady Nay, how this translates practically to you and your specific letter (vs. me venting literally every internet argument I am currently having feelings about), is this:

It’s okay to not want to go to things where you know a misogynist creep will be coddled and apologized for. “I love playing Betrayal At House On The Hill, I hate being hit on by some creepo I’ve already told to leave me alone 17,000 times, gotta skip it” is a totally reasonable worldview.

And if you do end up at one of those things where this dude will be, and he says or does one of his awful things, it’s okay to say “Gross” or “Try that again with a little less misogyny this time” or “Nobody here wants to fuck you, just stop it and hang out like a person, or the best imitation of one you can pull off, ok?” or “DO NOT TOUCH ME” or “Well, that was a rape-y thing to say, time for one of us to leave. I vote that it’s you.” or “What the fuck, dude?” or “We put up with you because we like your sister. Behave yourself for her sake, or go the fuck home (for her sake), but DO NOT say that creepy shit to me again” or “Oh gee, look at the time, it’s creep-o’clock and I will turn into a pumpkin if I don’t get out of here.” Or “I don’t like what you said just now.” Or “Wow” or “That makes me really uncomfortable” or “Please desist at once, kind sir” or or or or or or or or or or or or.

And when someone says “Come on he was only joking” you say “But it wasn’t funny” and when someone says “Geez, you’re way too sensitive” you say “Yes, I’m very sensitive and I also hate rape jokes, thanks for noticing” and when someone says “God, grow a sense of humor already!” you say “Yes, I will grow a sense of humor and I will fertilize it with the ashes of unfunny men. TO THE BARRICADES, SISTERS! FOR THEMYSCIRA!”

Or you know, whatever comes to mind. My scripts are always gonna work better in your own words.

And when they come for his sister, or his sister feels pressure to defend him because she’s (understandably) afraid they’ll come for her, you say “You are lovely! But your brother is acting like a sexist jerk. If he’s uncomfortable when people don’t like that, maybe he should knock it off. You are not responsible for him and you do not have to defend him. By which I mean, stop defending him, it’s not your job when you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Your voice might shake. Your awesome comeback might come out garbled. You might get talked over by people who are afraid to do what you did. You might stand there alone, while all these people you want so bad to like and believe you let you down.

Maybe…say something anyway?

Say something especially if you have privilege relative to the people who are being targeted. Creepy men who automatically discount what women say listen more when their male friends say “Not cool, bro.” White people who say racist stuff desperately want the social approval and compliance of fellow white people, and when you refuse to give them your compliance and good opinion, it fucking shatters them. Good. Keep doing it.

Here is the secret, the cheat code, the truth: The people you know who are good at speaking up in tense situations probably didn’t start out that way. It is a habit and a skill that you can develop with time and practice. The more you do it, the more you feel like you can do it. And the more you do it, the people who can’t be trusted not to carry water for creeps and assholes will show themselves, making them easier to avoid in the future.

I’m not gonna lie, that can hurt real bad, it can cut you to the bone.

And there may be times you cannot safely speak up, without the threat of violence. In those cases, you are going to be the best judge of what you can safely do. Think of it as “living so you can fight another day” and don’t let it slow you down too much.

But also, the more you speak up, the more the other people in the room who don’t agree with the asshole will seek you out and back you up and start to find their own voices. Someone in that room has been waiting for someone to say “‘Feminazi?’ Really? Are you a time traveling Rush Limbaugh intern here to teach us about hackeysack and jam bands? Get the fuck out of here with that shit, man.”

Maybe they’ve been waiting for you the way you’ve been waiting for them, wondering “Is it just me?” And maybe today is the day you get together and start to fix it.

This hope is why I do what I do.

FOR THEMYSCIRA,

Captain Awkward

 

 

 

 

 



Read the whole story
popular
18 days ago
reply
angelchrys
18 days ago
reply
Overland Park, KS
iridesce
18 days ago
reply
nj
Share this story
Delete
1 public comment
iaravps
18 days ago
reply
"I will grow a sense of humor and I will fertilize it with the ashes of unfunny men" new bio
Rio de Janeiro, Brasil

Photo

2 Shares
















Read the whole story
iridesce
21 days ago
reply
nj
bibliogrrl
24 days ago
reply
Chicago!
Share this story
Delete

By Nerd of the North in "How did you assemble this list? Carefully." on MeFi

1 Share
President Trump has personally pushed U.S. Postmaster General Megan Brennan to double the rate the Postal Service charges Amazon.com and other firms to ship packages, according to three people familiar with their conversations, a dramatic move that probably would cost these companies billions of dollars.
While I suspect that that will get very little attention it's actually one of the most flagrantly scandalous things that he's done yet, at least that can be proven and directly tied to him personally. Using the office of the presidency to pressure a department of the government to punish your personal enemies for their publishing of political news should be a GIANT scandal. The WaPo, of course, can't be the paper to lead the charge on this one but the rest of the media SHOULD be all over this because it's a pretty direct challenge to freedom of the press.

Somehow I doubt they will be, though, but I would be more than happy for them to not disappoint me on this..
Read the whole story
iridesce
64 days ago
reply
nj
Share this story
Delete

Driving Cars

8 Comments and 19 Shares
It's probably just me. If driving were as dangerous as it seems, hundreds of people would be dying every day!
Read the whole story
wreichard
76 days ago
reply
I’m looking forward to self-driving cars. There will be problems, for sure, but unlike problems with people, they should be fixable.
Earth
iridesce
72 days ago
reply
nj
Share this story
Delete
6 public comments
rraszews
76 days ago
reply
If cars didn't exist and someone said, "Hey, I invented a two ton block of metal that can travel at 80mph and which is controlled manually by human beings with no automatic overrides to stop it ramming things. Let's make 90% of the adult population pilot one every morning when they're half asleep," it would be considered too ridiculous for fiction.
emdeesee
76 days ago
reply
"flying in formation with people you've never met"
📌 Lincoln, NE ❤️️ Sherman, TX
tedder
76 days ago
reply
yep. People don't understand how dangerous a 3000lb missile is.
Uranus
Covarr
76 days ago
reply
As high-profile as accidents involving self-driving vehicles have been, they are still far safer than human drivers. And they don't have to take a test in high school.
Moses Lake, WA
artmoney
76 days ago
what's the source for this? i haven't seen anything definitive on this.
Covarr
76 days ago
There is not enough available data to be absolutely certain beyond any margin of error, but: https://www.vtti.vt.edu/featured/?p=422
Covarr
76 days ago
https://www.axios.com/humans-cause-most-self-driving-car-accidents-1513304490-02cdaf3d-551f-46e6-ad98-637e6ef2c0b9.html
Covarr
76 days ago
Additionally, self-driving cars only get better with each passing year as their technology gets better. Humans aren't evolving nearly as quickly. (sorry for repeat replies; Newsblur doesn't allow me to put paragraphs in my comments with, say, Shift+Enter)
artmoney
76 days ago
of course there's no guarantee that that their safety will increase to the point that they're better enough
benzado
76 days ago
100% of the interest and investment in self-driving cars is for the cost savings. Period. Safety is a sideshow. Once they are "safe enough", we'll adapt our environments to accommodate the self-driving cars. It will be too lucrative not to.
matthiasgoergens
76 days ago
Liability and insurance (and reputation) turn extra safety into cost savings. Human driven cars have also become safer. Think eg of ABS.
benzado
75 days ago
Yes, replacing a human driver with a robot that can't ever sue you is a HUGE cost savings. I'm not saying self-driving cars won't be safer. I'm saying it is at best a minor concern for anyone who is paying to develop them.
llamapixel
74 days ago
Robots will always make mistakes. Entropy is a thing ;) http://moralmachine.mit.edu/
lamontcg
73 days ago
robots don't drive drunk, don't get tired, don't "race" because they think its "cool", don't have road rage and don't try to commit suicide by vehicle. pretty certain before too long that they'll be 100x better than we are at driving.
Covarr
73 days ago
artmoney, llamapixel: It doesn't need to be perfect to be worth it. It just needs to make fewer mistakes than human drivers. Reducing accidents is always better than not reducing them, even if it's not enough to eliminate them completely.
artmoney
70 days ago
the assertion that they are already safer is false. i'm not commenting on the future.
llamapixel
69 days ago
Covarr how does a lawyer fight for a closed source neural net suggesting it is not at fault, when might actually have avoidance systems to reduce crash costs. ?
rraszews
53 days ago
Also, every possible type of self-driving car crash will probably happen no more than ONCE; once it happens, they push out a patch and no self-driving car will ever get into that kind of accident again.
benzado
52 days ago
I love that this thread is still going. So many of you are forgetting that self-driving cars do not exist in a fantasy world. As soon as they are mostly as safe as a human driver, the human drivers will be phased out. Patches will be put out to correct for errors when it can be shown that the cost of developing the patch will be lower than insurance and legal settlement costs. After lots and lots and lots of people die, we might get some government regulations. Also, the "comfortable living room on wheels" will be the expensive first class ticket version. If you don't own your own (and that was the point, fewer cars needed, right?), you'll be commuting with the same level of comfort afforded to bus and airplane passengers today.
alt_text_bot
76 days ago
reply
It's probably just me. If driving were as dangerous as it seems, hundreds of people would be dying every day!
alt_text_at_your_service
76 days ago
reply
It's probably just me. If driving were as dangerous as it seems, hundreds of people would be dying every day!
Next Page of Stories